My Diary
My Diary
You made it to my diary! Here I'll post little excerpts about my life when I feel like it. Don't expect to find any secrets- I have a real life diary for that.
Started building this site today! At first it was pretty difficult and I thought I'd never get the hang of it but I think I'm really starting to get a grasp on it now. I also cleaned my room for nearly 2 hours so I'd say I've been pretty productive this weekend. Still dreading school tomorrow- although I start my set design and construction course on Tuesday so I guess that's something to look forward to. It's crazy that I'm in the last year of secondary school. I keep thinking about how in June I won't be there anymore, and I'll probably never see any of these people again. It's insane that someone or something can be such a massive part of your life for years and then suddenly its gone and doesn't matter anymore. I'll probably miss it. I should really be trying to make the most of this final year, but that's easier said than done. I'll probably beat myself up in a few years for not going to enough parties or something. Whatever- I can do that stuff in uni. One thing I do want to do is watch a bunch of highschool-set tv shows and movies, just so I can experience them while it's still somewhat relatable to me. I think I'm gonna watch Dazed and Confused soon- it seems like a good movie.
School was alright today- better than I expected actually. Got to nearly halfway through the Catcher in the Rye because I read it during my free periods, English (we had to read our dissertation books today) and RE. I read it 3 years ago but I think I understand it a lot more now and I can fully enjoy it- I remember not understanding the duck symbolism at all when I first read it and taking the whole book very literally, not really reading between the lines. I feel pretty confident on writing about it for my dissertation- I'll probably compare it with Norwegian Wood to make a point about how reactions to and symbolism of grief is universal, especially in young adults or something since the protagonists share that in common. Signed up for some kind of volunteering thing in my school and I'm not entirely sure why since I wasn't all that hyped about it but my friends both wanted to do it for their CV. You have to do 20 hours in school and 20 in your community- its basically community service LOL. The bus got stuck in traffic coming home which annoyed me because as soon as school is over I like to be completely free to do what I want as soon as possible. I feel like I haven't had much time to myself lately, or that the time I do have is spent doing something I'm not really passionate about. Super stressed about my uni portfolio but I guess I could work on it in art. We did these weird graphite drawings today. It was pretty fun but it left black stuff all over your fingers. Passed by dad taking Daisy to the vet when I was walking home.
First day of my part time college course was today! It was pretty fun because they just showed us around the building and the stuff they make there looks really exciting, plus they have a shitload of cafes, a 3 story library and even a Starbucks! Also apparently we're allowed to join college societies even though we're only part time students so I think I'll definitely do that- they have a creative writing one which I'm pretty interested in. They said we'd get an email about it in a few days. But there was just as much shitty stuff today, unfortunately- for starters, they managed to spell my name wrong in their system somehow even though I've always spelled it as Serafina in every single form I've ever filled out so I guess someone at my school who emailed them for a place just got lazy and couldn't be bothered checking how my name is spelled. It pissed me off quite a bit TBH. Serifina isn't even a real name!!! I should sue them for Italianphobia. Whatever, that wasn't even the worst thing that happened today- for example, I totally had a panic attack in college because I got lost as shit and had to walk up and down 7 flights of stairs just to realise I was on the wrong side of the building. And THEN, Mum's car broke down so I had to take the train and then get picked up in Dad's car which always makes me feel sick because of how jolty it is. So I felt super nauseous and awful the whole afternoon and then something gross happened that I don't want to write about on the internet and now I feel fine I guess but damn that was a whole ordeal. Took me like 2 hours to get home when it should've taken 40 minutes tops!! But anyway, tomorrow is the meeting for if you want to become a prefect so I guess I'll sign up for that. On the bright side, 2 pretty funny things happened at school today- firstly, in Games Design we had to write super detailed game reviews and when I looked at the boy next to me's I almost burst out laughing- sorry that's mean but I'm not exaggerating at all when I said it looked like it was written by a 7 year old. Sorry!! But it cracked me up. If it was written by a girl I'd feel bad and wouldn't make fun but I don't feel too bad about bullying guys in my class for being illiterate. They're all gross anyways. Secondly, in English we were talking about the poet Thomas Hardy and some girl asked if he was the dude from Toy Story- guessing she meant Tom Hanks??? LOL. But yeah today was definitely a mixed bag. Hopefully tomorrow is more relaxed.
Today was odd and tiring. I took a nap after school and I ended up flat on my back and kept sort of shifting in and out of consciousness because it felt like I couldn't breathe. I feel really strange these days- like I'm not fully here? My dream felt more real than this does. I was at a lighthouse with my art class and we had to climb up to take photos. The wind was super strong and I kept nearly falling off but people didn't really seem to care. I didn't do much today but tomorrow will be busy. I have college again. I don't know how I feel about that, but I guess I like taking the train so even if it's awful I have that to look forward to. I'm aware that it's incredibly weird to look forward to going on a regular train, but I don't care too much about seeming weird these days. One of my friends obsesses over it and I just don't understand her. Maybe she's afraid of being mocked? Sometimes I wonder if that's why she acts like I don't exist in school. To be completely honest, I love trains. Not in that I'm obsessed with the different makes and models or whatever but the atmosphere on them is perfect. The feeling of the tracks rushing underneath you is better than meditation. I love being in vehicles in general but trains are the best ones because they don't have the danger and stuffiness of cars, and they also don't have the chaos of public buses. Everything is planned out and in order and they're rarely very busy when I go on them. I love the stations too. It's like being in a hotel- everyone has somewhere to be so you're reminded of the complexity of everyone's lives while still feeling like you're sort of in a liminal state yourself because all of the shops and people are unfamiliar to you, untouched by your memories. They honor the unique state of transition in quite a beautiful way, in my opinion. Anyway- today in Games Design I looked at the old files on my school drive from S1 and it made me a little sad. It reminded me of this old notebook I found from when I was like 8, in that the writing style was very similar. 8 year old me still lingered inside of 12 year old me. Now I think she's fully disappeared- that was what made me so sad. Your cells fully replace themselves every 7 years so maybe that was when she left. Every time I think back on my childhood it feels like it was all a dream and didn't really happen, and it's hard to convince myself that it was all my life at one point. Maybe that's my minds way of coping with the fact I can't go back. I took it all for granted and I'm taking this for granted now and one day I'll die and then that's it. It's hard to live in the moment when your brain is constantly reminding you of its insignificance.
Today was actually... alright? I feel a little car sick and shaky from caffeine but other than that I'm good. Getting Pizza Hut soon which is nice, and my mini barista course in school starts tomorrow morning. Talked to some of the people on my course a little more and at first I was worried I wouldn't be able to make any friends there but it turns out it's a lot easier than I thought. Not that I don't still get nervous talking to people but it's also not horrifyingly awkward. There's a couple of people who I think I'll probably get closer to as the course progresses which is nice to think about. It's crazy how much better my life has become just because I started signing up for things instead of just going through the motions everyday and trying to do as little as possible. I've met a lot of people and I've developed a lot of skills. It makes me kinda sad to think I could've been doing this kind of stuff when I was younger because I was super lonely back then. Tomorrow will probably be good if all goes well- I only have the barista course, free periods, book club at lunch and then Games Design so it's a pretty relaxed schedule.