For the more.. emotional sections of my diary. Prepare to cringe.
The second worst feeling in the world is knowing that the person your heart longs for thinks you're utterly insufferable. The first worst feeling is knowing that they're right. I'm annoying as hell. That's not just me being self-deprecating- though I've worked on it for years, I'm extremely melodramatic to the point where I can be very needy and somewhat attention seeking towards the people I care about. I've been told I come across as quite childish- that makes sense. But I know that I've evolved since I was last with her. Not that us dating even meant anything. I couldn't even kiss her. I feel like an idiot- I should've just waited until I was more mature to confess so that I could give the whole relationship thing a proper go. But I know that now, in her head, I'm still the person I was at 14. Maybe I'm more similar to her than I would like to think. I have tried to change- I stop myself when I can tell I'm being annoying- but how would I even let her know that when we don't even speak? It's overwhelmingly painful to see someone on the other side of the room and feel your heart physically plunge itself deep into your chest with longing and know there is nothing you can do to quell this pain. We're essentially strangers. Worse than that- there's the added awkwardness caused by the embarrassing memories of fights and confessions from years long passed by. And after this year ends I will never see her again. That's the worst part. I know I need to be friends with her again, even if we can't be together. There's noone else like her in the world. Maybe high school heartbreak really is the most painful. We're in the same building every day but we couldn't be further apart. I just want her to care about me, more than anything else. Even if she doesn't have feelings for me. Even if she never did.